No car, no home — yet truly abundant
A couple of weeks ago, I went to a meditation retreat in Texas. For five days, I turned my phone and computer off and immersed myself in Spirit.
During this time, I was able to focus on my meditation practice and do a lot of inner work that helped me rise above all the things that were stopping me from fully living in Abundance. When I say Abundance, I mean happiness, joy, enthusiasm, creativity, forgiveness, peace of mind, acceptance, understanding and all those qualities of Spirit moving into manifestation in our lives.
Last year was a crazy time, but 12 months have now passed from the beginning of the end of my life as I knew it. Over the past month, I felt like the worst had passed and the hell was over. When you let go of everything, you end up empty! What a funny feeling that is. All I had left of my previous life was pure emptiness. It was a little uncomfortable. I felt flat and blah…
The meditation retreat was the greatest way to fill my cup with something new. The emptiness was replaced with joy, love, forgiveness, acceptance and all the qualities of Abundance. I was elated — overflowing with Loving (that movement of Love-in action), vulnerable and open to sharing with anyone who would cross my path.
Total Hell Yeah! Zen time.
As soon as I returned to my car after the retreat had ended, I turned on my phone. There were messages.
Oh! I wondered what the world was going to throw at me this time? Every time I focus on Spirit, changes seem to come in full force. I knew that something was waiting for me, but didn’t know what.
The first message I received was from my landlord telling me that in a month I needed to leave the place I’ve been living in. This place is a lovely cottage that I found when I separated from my now ex-husband. It is my “happy place” and I felt so blessed to live there. It helped me heal on so many levels. It’s a mini oasis in the mountain with the huge organic farm with all the fruits and veggies of the Garden of Eden at my disposal… That perfect little place is where I wanted to keep living for at least the next six months.
But my time there is over. The landlord needs the cottage for other uses, and it is clear that it’s time to move on and move forward to whatever is next.
When I heard the voice mail I knew that this challenge was exactly what I needed. Whatever attachment was left in me had to be let go. The motto for the last year for my life has been “Everything must go” and here was one more thing that I needed to release.
I knew that the Universe wanted to present me with what’s next, and I accepted the news right away. But was I really so Zen?
Five minutes after I got the news, my friend was driving and my sister was asking me all kinds of questions from the back seat of the car. It was then that I had my big cry. It lasted a good three minutes and I gave it my all. Hands covering my face, runny nose and red eyes, horror in my mind, fear of uncertainty, fear of the future.
What the hell am I gonna do now? Where am I gonna live? Why can’t I just have a few peaceful months so I can focus on my work and nothing else? Why??? Why chaos again in my life?
I allowed myself to let it all out, as my sister and my friend kept the silence for that time. Then it was done. Back to acceptance, ready to move on. I even cracked some jokes and laughed after the big cry. Everything was fine.
I decided that nothing outside of myself would take my happiness any more.
After losing my health in a bad way for ten months, losing my marriage, the house that I had lived in and even my career as I had approached it for the last few years, I was determined not to resist change and get all fearful about losing my current place to live. There is no more space left in me to worry about stuff that happens in life, because I know that everything happens for the best, including this time.
I returned from Texas to Hawaii the next day. After 12 hours of flights, I was ready to go home when I landed (to the cottage that I would have for one more month).
My good friend was supposed to pick me up at the airport with my car. When I saw her pulling up to the curb at Honolulu Airport, driving her own little car, I knew something was wrong.
We hugged and got the luggage into the trunk.
“So, where’s my car?” I asked.
“It broke down today.”
A moment of silence followed.
Ok… Whatever…Bring it on Universe. Bring it on. I thought to myself.
“Yes, they told me it could be the transmission. Around three thousand dollars to get fixed.”
“Ok… Not sure if it’s worth doing that fix.”
So, less than 24 hours after my meditation retreat ended, I had lost my home and my car. Hell Yeah!
I was OK with it. I was in total acceptance of what was and kept my focus on my spiritual awareness. I knew that these were layers upon layers of more attachments that I needed to release, in order to get more spiritually free. If a home and a car was what it took, at this point in my life, I was not gonna fight it.
As of today, I still haven’t found a place to live, but I am not worried about it. I know that I will be drawn wherever I need to go for the next chapter of my life, because the Universe always wants the best for me.
I am open, taking active steps to look for housing. I’m keeping all options open, whatever they may be. This might mean leaving on a surf trip in the next few months, instead of renting in Hawaii when the surf is flat. I’m glad that I can work from my laptop from anywhere in the world, so I am free in that sense.
Or it could include moving to a new area on the island of Oahu where I hadn’t considered living before, but which now seems like it could be very fun! That area should have a lot of surf in the next months, so it could be pretty awesome to live close to the beach and enjoy the summer over there. We’ll see how it moves within me and what opens up naturally.
I have this feeling of being unlimited. I don’t have to decide what my next step is for now. I can let it all unfold.
The one thing that worried me a little was where to put my stuff. If I decide to go on a surf trip, I’ll have to find a place for my surfboards, clothes, a little furniture, etc. Not that there is much left after my last move. So, what do I do? Where do I leave all that?
I tried to figure it out but I couldn’t. So I decided on a new approach this time:
I could either fight and resist the situation and try to force an answer, or I could just have FUN with it and approach it as if it was a treasure hunt!
Instead of suffering through each step of the way trying to figure out my life, I could see it as one big game, where each piece of the puzzle comes together as I let go, and love and accept it all, just the way it is.
I know that for things to unfold I need to take action. One thing always leads to the next. So, my “plan’s” action steps were to start asking my friends if I could leave my stuff with them. My idea was that each time I received a “No” I would take it with joy and move on to the next person. I would embrace rejection as a game!
Well, that “plan” lasted less than five minutes.
I went to meet my friend who had my broken car at her backyard. While her mechanic friend was trying to fix it, I told her about my concern with storage.
“Oh, you can leave it all in my storage unit. There’s plenty of room to put all your big surfboards and more.”
“Are you kidding me? Is it expensive? I may need to leave it for a few months.”
“You’ll have to pay me around $40 a month, so we can split the cost.”
Forty dollars. Storage problem solved. Hell Yeah! Thank you Universe. Yes, yes, yes. Thank you.
My mind was quick to approach me with the next problem I needed to solve. The one that was right in front of me at that time:
So, what about my car? Will I still have a car?
I just kept saying to the Universe “Your will, not mine.”
An hour later, the mechanic told me that he had fixed my car. It was a little problem with the connection of I don’t know what (cars are not something I understand). Bottom line: Car fixed for $60 total. Problem solved.
I now know why my car broke down: aside from helping me letting go of my attachment to it, I discovered something even deeper.
Ten years ago, I came to Hawaii with nothing ($200 dollars and a surfboard). A few months later, I bought a very cheap car that was just the shittiest car you’ve ever seen. But it took me places and I was grateful for it.
As I started to learn more about expanding into Abundance, including financial Abundance and living in a more luxurious way, something in me started judging myself for not being able to have a better car. I felt a hint of shame and unworthiness when I was around friends with money, because of that car.
Eventually I did a major upgrade and got the SUV that I drive now. I love it! It’s beautiful, runs great (now) and takes me everywhere I need to go. My surfboards fit inside, and the car is super practical and cute.
Well, when my car broke down a few days ago, I borrowed a car to drive around. I only used it for one day. If I thought that my first car was beat up, this one was another level. Not to disrespect this little buddy, I’m just gonna describe it like this: It’s the kind of car where you can leave it parked with the windows open and not bother locking. Nobody will steal it.
So I went surfing with the borrowed car, and as I was driving down the hill, I was doing a prayer of gratitude for being able to have mobility. But at the same time it hit me: I had a tiny hint of hidden shame as I drove by and people saw me in that car.
I was judging the superficial part of me and trying to suppress it, and that felt a bit disturbing. Then it hit me again: I realized I felt “more important” when I was driving my current SUV than when I drove the beat up older car. Unconsciously, I felt as if I had gone up a level in life because I had changed my car.
A car was defining who I was. Or, better said, I was defining my own self-worth based on the car that I drove. F— that.
When I realized this, I gave thanks to the Universe for this lesson. Nothing will ever define me. Not a car, not a house, not a fortune, or lack of money, career success, body image or even my smarts (if I still have any after my concussion last year).
I was open to letting go of my SUV, and if I was gonna drive a beat up car for a while, that was fine with me. That does not make me more or less abundant. Because true Abundance is in Spirit, not on the outside.
I felt that my car karma (or lesson) was a 24-hour lesson. As I was able approach it with loving and forgiveness towards myself (for being superficial, for the shame, for whatever inner fight went on inside of me), the Universe returned my lovely car, for $60. I tell you what: I am so grateful when I drive it now! I enjoy it and know that I can enjoy the good things in life, but they don’t define me. That makes me feel FREE.
I am learning to stop fighting those parts of me that I consider negative or dark, because they are simply part of being a human being. As I can love, accept and forgive myself for holding those judgements, things shift and those judgements transform into Loving and acceptance quickly. That’s when I move into true Abundance, when I can love it all, just the way it is, including myself.
So, all in all, it’s been an awesome time lately.
When I can stop giving my power away to what life throws at me, and instead focus on what I do have power over — my approach to life — nothing can break me anymore.
When the next thing comes up, we’ll see how I deal with it. One thing I’m certain of is that it will involve CHANGE.
I am surrendering and going for a great ride!
Update: Wanna know how things unfolded a month and a half after I wrote this post? Read here
And wanna see where I live today? Read here
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