You can stay here all you want
Hey there. It’s been a long time since I’ve communicated with you. I am shifting gears on this blog from now on. I’ll be sharing my experiences through life in a more personal way.
This is not intended to be a “how to” blog anymore. It’s a journal where I will write what my heart needs to say. Maybe some of my words resonate with you or your experiences at some level. Today, my sharing is about self-love…
A few days ago, one of my best friends shared that she was fighting her personal health problem (extreme back pain), until it finally hit her: the more she tried to fight it and get rid of it, the harsher it was for her.
One morning she had a spiritual awakening and she finally told her back pain: “You can stay here all you want”.
The tension that she’s been fighting half her life, was no more. She broke through to the other side. Her pain didn’t subside, but she felt light and relieved. She was radiant and glowing as she was sharing this experience with me.
I realized how hard I’ve been fighting my concussion. I’ve been judging my brain injury as “bad”, “dark” and “negative”. I had no compassion for the hard work that my brain has been doing to keep me alive, functioning, focused and productive while healing.
This concussion has brought to the surface everything that I didn’t want to look at, nor admit that I have within me: sometimes it’s sadness that turns into depression. Sometimes it’s anger. Other times is impatience that turns into despair. I have been doing everything in my power to get rid of all of it.
I’ve realized that I judge the shit out of myself for having this condition. Sometimes I think that nobody will ever want to be with me because “I’m ruined”, or “messed up” because I can’t go through a full day without crashing physically and sometimes emotionally.
So I take a new supplement, and I spend more hours in the hyperbaric chamber. I research new treatments and I hope that this will do it.
I keep missing the point. I keep trying to get rid of it. I keep trying to make this a story that I can tell in the past tense. It’s not. It’s my present. It’s my reality and whether I’d like it or not, it might be my life until I die.
I can’t keep doing the game of “I’ll try harder” to heal faster. I am already doing my best. But I can try to not fight my darkness anymore. I can try to re-name my concussion and stop labeling as negative.
This brain injury is a part of me. I can accept it, embrace it and give it what it needs. It needs nutrition, rest, love and gentle thoughts. It makes me realize that the hit I’ve received in my head could have easily killed me. A concussion that doesn’t fade after three years, with all the treatments that I’ve done, is a serious one.
It might have come to my life so I could stop my self-destructive ways… Yeah, I’ve said. Surfing big waves is so glamorous when seen from the outside. But I kept flirting with death, over and over again. I should have been gone from this world three times already.
I was not going to stop if I didn’t get this injury. I kept fiercely seeking in the ocean for something that I needed to find within me.
So here I am. Life brought me back to land. I’m tired of fighting myself. I’m tired of judging myself. I’m tired of running the race to be healthy again… I’m tired of feeling broken because I have a health condition.
This morning, as I was walking down Zilker park, my energy suddenly dropped and I started to feel concussed. I stopped for a minute, surrendered and smiled. You can stay here all you want.
A note for those who had suffered a brain injury and need help. Please check this amazing foundation: One Hit Away.
If you are struggling, please reach out for help.
With all my Loving,
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